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Crucial but Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations are a part of normal business and will always be challenging. With fear and anxiety being part of the equation in “DCs” no wonder we avoid having them. Short-term comfort too often trumps long-term improvement.
Why bother getting better at managing difficult conversations? At one level, it’s a simple matter of reducing anxiety in your life. But it goes far beyond that. Especially for people who work in a collaborative environment, the ability to communicate clearly and powerfully, and to manage conflict with confidence and grace, are no longer just good ideas, they’re integral to management competence. On the flip side, conflicts that are poorly handled or simply just ignored altogether, will sap creativity, lower energy levels, destroy teamwork, and send productivity and morale plummeting. When conversations are handled well, collaboration and productivity are enhanced, morale goes up, resulting in a more productive and positive company culture.
It’s unrealistic to think that emotions can be eliminated. We can, however, learn to manage and reduce them, leading to more effective communication and better results.
"I don’t want the confrontation."
"I don’t want to hurt her feelings."
"I’m afraid I’ll damage our relationship."
Examples of difficult conversations include:
•Confronting disrespectful of hurtful behavior
•Giving a critical performance review or performance feedback
•Saying no to a request
All of these issues have the potential for keeping us up at night and impacting our satisfaction with work. But the anxiety of something can be greater than the consequences of not saying anything. We frequently leak our feelings in very un-useful ways.
However, before you can talk about outcome and before you can consider how to protect the feelings of others, you have to get through your own fear of starting the conversation. The fear that:
•The other person won’t listen to you or will reject your solution to the problem.
•You will be hurt by something the other person says.
•You may lose control of the conversation.
•You might be perceived by your co-workers as a bully, or worse - a pushover.
•You might have to face rejection. The other person might not like you.
The first step in thinking about the appropriate way to address these sensitive issues is to “come clean with ourselves”.
What do we really want the outcome of the conversation to be?
•Do we just want to air or vent our thoughts or feelings?
•Do we want to just be “right”?
•Do we want others to have necessary information or is there a need to set limits?
•Do we want to hear what others have to say or learn about another’s perspective as a basis for negotiating?
Reacting emotionally is part of being human, but we can change the course of unwanted feelings and turmoil by addressing our own motives. We can then look at what we really want as the outcome of the conversation.
Effective managers know they don't always have to win at the expense of others. Showing vulnerability is one key to making connections with other people. As you prepare to have a difficult conversation:
•Be honest with yourself about your fears and any personal agendas you might have.
•Empathize with the other person. Chances are, your co-worker feels the way you feel - afraid and vulnerable.
•Discuss your fears with a colleague. This should be a person who can remind you about your essential character and your competence as a manager. He or she will help you gain the courage you'll need to face your fears. Sometimes this will be your boss. Sometimes you’ll want to talk to someone outside of your newsroom.
Holly Seaton, Ph.D.
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